As the Christmas season approached we again sought an exclusive interview with the big man himself, Santa Claus. After years of turning reporters away he finally granted us the chance to see him at his home in The North Pole.

We were greeted at the door by one of his many elves who handed us each a peppermint candy cane and beckoned us to follow him. The elf led us through a large hallway where every bit of the architecture appeared to be handcrafted and brightly colored, and the arches that lined the corridor were painted to resemble candy canes. At the end of the hallway was a wooden door that had been carved into the shape of a gingerbread man. We met up with him in the kitchen where he and Mrs. Claus stood waiting for us with mugs of hot milk and freshly baked cookies. We sat down and decided to take the opportunity to chat with her as we waited for her husband to return from the factory.

“The production of presents has never been easier,” she told us

“in fact the elves mostly do supervisory work now since the factory is mostly a series of 3-d printers and the packaging is automated. All Santa has to do is fly it out on Christmas day….Well that and check his list twice, he’s probably doing that as we speak”.

St. Nicolas happened to walk into the kitchen during our conversation.

“Ho,ho,ho” he exclaimed (what a cliché this guy is)

“Sorry about the wait boys, Frosty and I had a meeting and it ran a little late”

“I was just telling them about all the changes you’ve made, dear.” She responded.

“Funny you should be discussing such a thing. Frosty and I were talking about making one more change”

Are you kidding me, did we just stumble into a Christmas exclusive?  This could be the biggest story ever! Not missing a beat as I processed what was happening I asked in as professional a voice as I could muster..

“Oh? What would that be?”

“We’re discussing what should be done about the reindeer”

Who knew Santa had reindeer issues?  This could be good I thought.  Well now I had to ask

“What could possibly need to be done about them?

“Reindeer are just too much work for an old guy like me,” The old man admitted.  “for one I had to go all the way to Sweden in order to just get this batch and I have to go back to Sweden pretty much weekly in order to get lichen for their diet. Not to mention all the upkeep they require”. He shook his head.

“Hundreds of years old and I still can’t manage to train them to not leave …chips everywhere.”

Mrs. Claus giggled.

“They’re still animals dear” she said

“I know they are but it’s hard to believe they can develop such a complex social hierarchy system.” He then turned to my colleague and I wishing to explain to us in detail what he meant.

“I first noticed this when the reindeer with the red nose, I call him Rudolph tried to play with some of the other reindeer and he seemed to have been ostracized by the group. He happened to save my bacon one year when there was this horrible storm—anyway I’m sure you’ve heard the story…So you understand why I keep trying to toilet train them”.

The elf who had remained silent up until then finally spoke.

“I say we take them back and get some polar bears to replace them.”

“If I could just harness the energy of some sugar plum fairies I’d probably be able to do a much better job on my own.” Santa responded

“You could always just outsource the shipping dear, have amazon do it instead” Mrs. Claus chimed in.

And with that the Jolly old fella bid us farewell.  But not before making us promise to never reveal who it was that actually spoke with. So that being said we must leave this article as unauthored.

Happy holidays from the team here at Awesome Canada!

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